Friday, August 5, 2011

letting go; not giving up

Let it go.

Something I have a very difficult time with. I like to hold on to things. I like knowing what’s going to happen next. I like knowing that if I do XYZ then ABC will happen. Guess what? That’s not how life works. At all. And I feel like I’m getting an extra dose of that. I feel like I’m supposed to be learning something from all of this but am too damn stubborn to accept it.

Most of you know that I’ve been struggling to lose weight. I lost about 50 lbs a litter over 2 years ago and have been struggling with the last 20-25 pounds. Not something you should have to struggle with. 5-10 pounds? That’s something to struggle with, but not 20-25.

I started seeing a nutritionist about 11 months ago because of this massive frustration. Eating healthy and training for half marathons should lend to fat loss, but for me, it wasn’t.

We tweaked my diet to a gluten/dairy free diet which helped tremendously. I lost some weight in the first few months and felt great. We also changed up my exercise routine. I learned that long distance running isn’t always the best for fat loss (something I did NOT want to hear). But it’s been almost year and the rest just won’t seem to leave.

We then started calorie counting. Maybe I was eating too much of the good foods? Turns out, I was. Not way too much, just a little too much, so we adjusted it. I started tracking calories consumed and calories burned. Knowing FOR SURE that this would lead to fat loss. I don’t know how I could possibly burn 400-600 calories 5 days/week and eat 1500 calories* and not lose fat. Well, it’s happening. I’m not losing.

*Please do not compare my calorie intake to yours. I’ve been under the care of a professional, licensed nutritionist who has given me a unique body comp. Proper calorie intake for people will vary, drastically.

So, what’s next? We’re checking out my thyroid and hormone panel. Clearly there is something not right. Someone with normal levels should be able to eat what I’m eating and workout like I am and lose fat. There has to be an explanation to this.

Yesterday at the nutritionist was very difficult. I went in there anticipating being down at least 3 or 4 pounds of fat (it had been 4 weeks since my last visit). What were the results? Fat loss of 0.1 pounds. I’m sorry, but that’s shitty. Down.right.shitty! It really sucks to work your ass off in bootcamp in the 111 degree weather, do core until you feel like vomiting, run sprints on inclines, and pass on the chips every single time to see no tangible results.**

**I do realize that I am healthier than I ever was before. Cutting out gluten and dairy were probably the best things I’ve done. I’m getting stronger. I’m getting faster. I know I’m healthier, but I’m 26…I want to be thin too! I deserve that and it sucks that I’m still not there.

I cried. Then I pouted. Then I become furious. It’s so not fair. But like I said…I’m supposed to learn something here. I need to let it go. Clearly, this is not in my control. That doesn’t mean give it up. My nutritionist explained that I’ve been in a relationship with weight loss. I need to let it go and stop worrying over it. Stop obsessing. I’m supposed to stop counting calories. Stop tracking my calories burned. She explained that I already know what a 1500 calorie/day looks like. I already know how much I burn doing sprints and during bootcamp. Stick with it, and let it go.

So the next step is: stop obsessing and get blood work done. I have an appointment for Monday to get my thyroid and hormone panel tested to figure out what the hell is going on. Part of me hopes I do have a problem. Then I can just adjust my diet and/or take vitamins/medicine to fix it. The thought of being on prescription meds forever stresses me out. I try to “fix” things the natural way, but at this point, I think I’ve proven that they might be needed, at least for a little while.

So there you have it. A very real, raw, unedited, Jen. Really, I mostly posted this to vent. I can honestly say I have tried everything in my power to lose this fat and it’s not working. I’s so discouraging, but I refuse to believe that this is the end of the road for me.

I’m letting go but not giving up.

Thanks for reading.


  1. I can't even imagine how frustrating this must be!!! I will be keeping you in my prayers! I hope they find something with the blood work and thyroid panels that clues you in on the problem.

  2. totally understand how frustrating it is to be working so hard and not seeing the results you want. Hope you get answers soon!

  3. Very frustrating, good luck with the blood work. Also, don't forget to celebrate the fact you've kept the weight off. A difficult feat itself.

  4. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are working so hard and not seeing results. I'm sorry you don't have answers yet. So frustrating. Praying for you, that it's an "easy" fix and that you are in forward motion once again. Hang in there.


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